I went to my daughter’s school for a musical evening with performances by all the kids who are having singing lessons in her year, so they were 12 and 13 years old

Oh the sweetness of them, singing their favourite soppy pop songs. Still children, just, the very last of it, hanging by a thread.

My child, who finally achieved a good report at school yesterday, trumped it today by doing something so naughty, I’m not even going to report it.

But she doesn’t read this, so I can also tell you: it was hilariously funny. So bad, so funny.

My husband got 100% per cent in his UK citizenship test. He completed the test, including two practice rounds (also 100%) in eight minutes.

He was also, he tells me, the best dressed person there.

I now call him Mr 100 Per Cent.

An old friend tipped him off that there is footage of him on YouTube, when he played professional indoor football in Sydney in the late 1980s. See below.

If you can get past the mullets, go to about 10.50 (he didn’t come on until near the end, because he was stuck in traffic on the Parramatta Road) where you will see a total joker (with terrible hair) do something very stupid with the ball.

His comment? ‘The crowd loved it.’

Apple… tree…